


If Only

by WangCharEr



Category: GOT7
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-27
Updated: 2016-11-27
Packaged: 2018-09-02 12:03:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,619
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8666695
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WangCharEr/pseuds/WangCharEr
Summary: All of them were living their dream and if Jackson came out, he would destroy all that. All their hard work, all the struggles they had gone through to get to where they are, snuffed out like a light. If Jackson came out, he feared that everything they hard worked towards would be snuffed out in the blink of an eye.





	

Jackson sighed internally.

There they go asking that question again. They always asked that same question during almost every interview that GOT7 had and he had grown sick and tired of it.

 _'What is your ideal type of girl?'_ That was the question. It was always the same. Expecting them to all like girls.

Whenever they asked this question Jackson made sure to always answer generally, never specifying that he wanted a 'girl' but rather 'someone'. He always answered the particular question in different ways. Sometimes he said 'someone I can get along with' or his most common one 'someone who is healthy'. No one ever realised or suspected anything and he had liked it that way.

But now, now he didn't.

Now he wanted someone to know because he had kept the secret for so long that it was starting to eat him up from the inside. He wanted to tell his members because he knew that they wouldn't mind. He knew that they would support him no matter what. 

When he was still fencing, the thought of actually 'coming out' had never crossed his mind. Not once because first of all, he had been so busy with his games and being a top Asian fencer didn't leave him any free time to contemplate getting into a relationship with anyone. That was one of the reasons he had chosen to leave his fencing career behind. He loved the sport dearly but the sports world was still not tolerant enough of homosexual athletes.

He had chosen to sing instead, his second passion. Thinking that it would at least be more accepting than the world of sport and so he had signed the contract for joining JYP. He had shocked his father when he had brought home the contract because his father had not believed him when he had said that he wanted to sing instead of continue with fencing which was not exactly a lie. It just wasn't the whole truth either.

When he had first brought up the idea to his dad, the man had been rightfully shocked. He had bright hopes for the future and the Olympic Games were just around the corner so he couldn't fathom the thought of his only son wanting to quit a sport he loved so much. So, he had set his son a task and told him that only when he became the number top fencer in Asia, would he let him leave. And so Jackson did. He worked even harder than he had previously and became number one. His father couldn't go back on his word then, so Jackson packed his bags, with the reluctant blessing of his father, and the whole-hearted support from his mother.

Jackson sometimes regretted joining the KPOP industry because in some ways, it was even less tolerant of homosexuality than the sports industry was. Yes, they accepted skinship between boys and didn't mind when they cuddled together or slept in the same bed or kissed each other's, physically depicted homosexual behaviour and they called it fan service.

And yet, outright going out or starting a relationship with a man was heavily frowned upon and it would destroy your career.

Jackson often had these thoughts.

He didn't want to be the reason that GOT7 was disbanded. He couldn't do that to his group mates. He could be the reason that their hopes and dreams were crushed because they would be. All the time they had spent as trainees, uncertain of their future, uncertain whether they would even debut, and yet still working as hard as they could so they would.

He couldn't be the reason that their sunshine Youngjae wasn't ever able to sing again, to lose his dream of ever going to countries in Africa or other places plagued by war and disease and helping the people there. He couldn't be the reason that Yugyeom lost his dream of having his own solo dance stage or meeting Chris Brown and collaborating with him, he couldn't be the reason Jinyoung lost his chances at becoming a World Star in acting or his baby Bam, his hope of joining the fashion industry, or Mark and his numerous dreams.

And then there's JB. His chic and sexy leader-hyung who also had many hopes and dreams. Who was always stressed and under pressure from the company to make sure that we succeeded as a Group. Who also had to make sure that he looked after them, made sure they ate enough, slept enough, went to bed early and had enough rest because of the next day's schedules. His leader-nim who also had the added stress of writing and composing songs for the group.

All of them were living their dream and if Jackson came out, he would destroy all that. All their hard work, all the struggles they had gone through to get to where they are, snuffed out like a light. If Jackson came out, he feared that everything they hard worked towards would be snuffed out in the blink of an eye.

When they got back to the dorm from the day's schedules, he took off his shoes at the door as always and quickly went the room room he shared with JB and changed out of the jeans he was wearing. He pulled on his warm black joggers as it was getting colder these days and their room got especially cold in the winter. He chose to stay in his favourite black over-sized hooded jumper that had the white stripes down both arms that he had worn that day and had forgone the hat today as was usual these days.

When he was done, he lay down on JB's bed and pretended to sleep. He knew that whenever JB came into the room and found him asleep on his bed he left him alone and often just went and rested in the sofa instead. And that's exactly what he did.

After JB had left and a few minutes had passed, Jackson picked up his phone from where it was resting beside the pillow and unlocked it. Jackson had reached his breaking point and he really just needed to talk to someone.

All he could think about at the moment was the fact that people hated homosexual people and that if he came out, they would hate him too. And that hate would transfer to his group mates as well. He felt numb while his thought raced.

He had to talk to someone. Someone who would get an inkling of what he was feeling at the moment, the only person who would understand how he felt. He quickly scrolled through his contacts and pressed on the number when he found who it was he was looking for. 

"Hello?" The strong voice rang out and Jackson felt as if he might cry. He was so glad that the call had gone through as the other was often very busy.

"Seok-Cheon hyung!" Jackson's voice cracked as tears gathered in his eyes. He curled up on the bed, bringing his knees to his chest, keeping his hand around them and gripped the phone tightly in the other hand.

"Jackson-ah, what's wrong?" The other male quickly replied and you could hear the alarm in his voice. Jackson was always happy, you would rarely find him sad and yet here he was, almost crying.

"How did you do it?" Jackson asked, voice hoarse with unshed tears.

The man on the other side was puzzled and yet worried. "How did I do what Jackson? Are you okay?"

"How did you deal with it, hyung?" There was a pause and before Seok-Cheon could reply, Jackson spoke again, and this time you could tell he was crying because he couldn't get the words out clearly. "H-ho-how di-did you man-manage to get p-past it, hyung?" Jackson clutched his knees tighter and the phone slipped out of his hand, accidentally ending the call and onto the bed but Jackson couldn't bring himself to care at the moment. He buried his head on top of his knees as tears uncontrollably fell and cried.

He couldn't deal at the moment. Everything had come crushing down and it was just too overwhelming. The gravity of the situation he was currently in had finally crushed down on him and knowing that he could be the reason GOT7 disbanded, the reason that his friend's dreams were shuttered was just too much. Loud sobs wracked his frame and the noise had filtered into the living room where the rest of the members were.

The first to hear it had been JB. He had been lazy scrolling through SNS when he heard the noise. At first he had been unsure of what it was but then the unmistakable sound of someone crying had registered. It didn't take long to realize that it could only be Jackson since everyone else was in the living room. Jinyoung reading a book, the three maknae's playing a video game and Mark also focused on his phone. Added onto the fact that the sound was coming from JB and Jackson's shared room and you had solid proof.

JB was the first to get up, rushing to his room and quickly pushing the door open, Mark was next, and it didn't take long for the rest to understand what was going on. They all rushed to the room to see Jackson curled up into a ball, his whole body shaking with the intensity of his sobs.

JB again was the first to move to his side. He sat down on the bed and touched Jackson's arm. "Jackson?" He called out tentatively and at the sound of his voice, Jackson quickly turned around and jumped into his arms. JB's didn't hesitate, his arms automatically moving to pull him in tighter, holding him to his chest as he cried.

Jackson clenched his shaking hands into JB's shirt, desperately seeking out the comfort that JB always readily provided. The other members stood awkwardly in the door way, not really knowing what to do.

JB didn't know how long they stayed like that, letting Jackson cry until the tears had subsided but he knew that they needed to talk about why he was crying in the first place. Finally, Jackson sniffled and released the death grip he had on JB's shirt but didn't move from his place on his hyung's lap. 

"Are you ready to talk about it now?" JB asked, right hand around Jackson's waist while the other carded through his soft dark hair. Jackson nodded and sniffled. "Okay then."

The other members had all entered the room at some point and were all in various places around the small room. Mark and Jinyoung were seated at the other end of the bed since JB had settled at the top side and the maknae's were sat leaning against the wall facing the bunk bed.

When the silence had stretched out for a few minutes with Jackson not saying anything the leader sighed. "Jackson, talk to us, what's wrong?" When no answer was forth-coming, Jackson burrowing into his chest instead, the members looked at each other and then looked at JB as if to say: _'You're the leader here, you get him to talk'_

"Please Jackson, talk to us. I promise what ever it is, we're here. We'll always be here. Always." The leader said softly, tightening his arms around the Hong Kong native.

Jackson looked at each of his members, his eyes finally connecting with JB's uncertainly. Finally, he spoke. "You promise?"

The broken voice that had only whispered the words was loud in the cramped room. BamBam and Yugyeom flinching because they had never heard their hyung's voice sounding like that, ever.

"We promise." JB replied, glancing at the other other members who all nodded.

Jackson, having been reassured took a deep breath because this was it. This was the day he finally told his members that he was gay. The thought alone filled him with dread and panic washed through him. No, he couldn't tell them, could he?

He could.

He could be strong enough and tell them. These were his friends. His brothers. His family. He could trust them because this affected them too.

So he would tell them and hope to God that they accepted him.

He moved out of his leader's arms, even if he really didn't want to and sat up. He took a deep breath and spoke.

"I like boys." 

If the room was silent before then it was positively noiseless at the moment. It was so silent that it was as if everyone had frozen, holding even their breath.

Jackson's eyes filled anew with tears and pulled his knees up to his chest. They all hated him. He knew they would but he had hoped, like the fool he was, that they wouldn't.

JB as always was the first to notice anything about Jackson and noticed as soon as the other boy withdrew into himself. He wanted to mentally slap himself because now Jackson would think that he hated him. He looked at the other members trying to figure out their reaction to the news and was glad he didn't find any negative ones. Now, to reassure their resident mood maker. He moved so that he was seated next to Jackson and wrapped his left arm around his waist.

"Jackson, no one hates you, okay?" The Hong Kong native raised his head from his knees and looked up at his leader, tears trailing perfect streaks down his cheeks and it was unfair how even when crying, the boy still looked breathtaking. 

"You don't?" The question, delivered in a small voice and filled with so much uncertainty broke their hearts.

Mark and Jinyoung, moving as one, settled on Jackson right side, Mark slipping his arm around Jackson's shoulder and leaning his head on Jackson's while Jinyoung's arm slipped around Mark's waist to curl around Jackson's. Youngjae, BamBam and Yugyoem also jumped onto the bed, they didn't want to be left out of the hug-fest going on.

"Of course we don't hate you Jackson. Right boys?" That was Mark. All the members replied with affirmatives.

"I couldn't hate you even if I tried. And if I did, who would take me out and buy me meat then?" Bam bam said, snuggling into Jackson's lap and looking up at him innocently with a pout.

Jackson looked at down at the boy in disbelief and a startled laugh broke free of his previously frowning lips. Because of course his baby Bam would think about Jackson buying him stuff. The other members seemed to think the same and laughter broke out in the room, the gloomy mood dissipating.

"Waa, Bam-ah you are such a gold digger!" Yugyeom said nudging his friend and still laughing uncontrollably. If anything, his comment just made everyone laugh harder.

Jackson looked around at his members happily. He was glad that they had accepted him. His eyes trailed to his leader and for the first time, Jackson allowed himself to openly stare at the other. He knew JB was attractive, anyone worth their dime could see it but for the first time, Jackson took the time to memorize those incredibly attractive features because he had finally come out to his friends and he felt free. His eyes roved over the boy's face, coming to rest on his eyes which he realised had been watching him.

JB, his chic and sexy leader hyung smiled even wider and winked at him. Jackson blushed and looked away.

He had just come out, he definitely wasn't ready for the flirting his hyung had just displayed. And anyway, wasn't JB straight?


End file.
